Editor’s Pick
- Autoblow A.I.
- Best Blowjob Machine
- Sleeves can be interchanged
- Industrial strength motor
- Does NOT require batteries
- Hands free blowjob machine
- Sleeves are easy to clean
- Kiiroo Onyx+
- Best Blowjob Masturbator
- Vibrating Sex Toy
- USB rechargeable
- 100% Hands free
- Sliding scale of speed
- Easy to clean and store
- F1s Developer's Kit
- Best Blowjob Toy
- Hands Free
- No Batteries Needed
- Powerful Motor
- Body-Safe Silicone Sleeve
- Easy to clean
I’m going to be very honest with you here, my friends: no user has ever pumped so hard and performed so fiercely as to have his dick ripped off by a suck toy.
But there have been some notable injuries which have occurred largely as a result of user errors:
In June of 2004, Gilbert C. Layton received a suck toy in the mail, which he planned to use with force. A few weeks earlier, he’d become jealous of several of his friends, who spoke of the massive amount of pleasure and enjoyment that they received from their devices.
But after contemplating the purchase and waiting for the toy’s delivery, it was now time for the use. Watching his favorite adult video, Gilbert was revving his engines loudly, eager to experience the joy that the others had spoken so highly of.
But then, in his haste, Gilbert forgot one of the suck toy basics: lube. For those who don’t know, trying to enjoy a sex machine without lube is like trying to ride a sled without snow; the basic mechanic may work, but the experience is completely defunct as a whole.
Lube is to suck toys as water is to swimming pools: integral for functional use
But Gilbert was committed, I will give him that. He was so focused on the pleasure that he assumed that he was the one doing something wrong, and that the toy was functioning properly without lube. Accordingly, he began to pump and thrust HARDER AND HARDER. He was really putting his back into it now, and the foundation of his home began to rattle! A 3.5 magnitude earthquake was reported in his area that same day, at around that same time. It’s unclear if he caused it, but he very well could have!
I’ll spare the trusting readers the gory and intricate details of Gilbert’s condition after this scene, but I will say that, upon responding to the 911 call placed by local residents, the police saw so much blood (along with an unconscious man) that they assumed a murder or assault had taken place, treating the area like a crime scene.
Unfortunately, the bad stories don’t end there. Another friend of mine made a critical error in assessing the amount of pressure that his dick could take from a strong suck toy.
Be careful with your suck toy, or you’ll run the risk of ending up like this sap
He was using a pump device (the manufacturer has asked that I omit their brand from the story, to avoid negative publicity), which of course allows users to increase or decrease the strength of the grip on their dick with a simple handle.
Well after a particularly stressful workday, this unnamed (per his instructions) friend arrived home to unwind. Quickly, he dropped his things – and his drawers – and began making use of his relatively new pump. Tighter and tighter, he increased the device’s grip, and quicker and quicker he pumped, rocking out to a fast-paced song. He was going to town!
And then he stopped.
Abruptly, he found that his device and his dick were unable and/or unwilling to move any further. Calming down upon this realization, he slowly released the device’s grip, now understanding just how tight it had become as he was out of control.
And his dick, upon removal, was essentially collapsed onto itself – pushed so far inwards that it was thinner and denser than ever before. Panicked and temporarily unworried about the embarrassing nature of the issue, he rang for an ambulance.
In the end, he was diagnosed with CDS (Collapsed Dick Syndrome). A couple of months and some light physical therapy later, he was recovered physically. But his pride and his cautiousness – well, those are still getting better.
The point of these true and incredibly disheartening stories is to help you, my friends. Enjoy your suck toys with frequency and enjoy them well. But more importantly, enjoy them with some common sense. Use lube, don’t choke the life out of your dick, and make sure to keep your device clean and away from prolonged heat (that story is for another time). Then, you will actually be enjoying your suck toy, not suffering from it.
Please be safe while using your suck toy.
For the quick-skimming readers who are certainly at this point due to laziness, the answer is that you probably won’t rip your dick off by using your suck toy. But you can seriously harm your junk by not properly using a sex machine, so it’s best to be a little bit careful and very committed to established procedures and protocols.
Note: This FAQ question is dedicated to my friend Gilbert C. Layton, whose life was tragically taken in a house fire as he used his suck toy so fiercely that he didn’t notice the heat. Or the collapsing structure. Or the smoke. Or the firemen trying to drag him out.
