Watch The Teeth, Sweetie

Home > Frequently Asked Questions > How To Give a Blowjob: Watch The Teeth, Sweetie

Many readers have sent emails asking me for tips about how to avoid using your teeth during a blowjob, which is the perfect continuation in the popular How To Give a Blowjob series.

Let's start with the basics:

Teeth are sharp. They hurt. Keep them away from his dick, at least if you want to see it more than once. Unless if he's into S&M, but that's a completely different post you lucky bitch.

If you're mad at the guy attached to the dick, don't use your teeth as a weapon. Sucking dick is a privilege. Take out your anger passive-aggressively like a normal person and "accidentally" lock him out of the house.*

It can be difficult to keep your mouth wide open for a long period of time, which makes it that much harder to keep your teeth away from his terrified manhood. Try.

How can you get better at all these things? It's not by scrunching up your nose and saying you have a headache every time he takes his pants off. Practice, practice, let your mouth rest**, then practice some more.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it takes a while to learn teeth control while giving a blowjob. Yes, that means your beloved blowjob queen was once teethy back in her early days. That's normal and to be expected, but for the love of cock please read this post and try to keep your teeth to areas of the male body that can handle it (unless he's just a pansy who whimpers every time you nibble too hard, in which case I would encourage you to move along to someone with a pain threshold above "six year-old").

The basic principle to remember is that you need to keep your teeth covered with your lips. That doesn't mean you need to look gummy like Gramma (although judging from some of the Google searches on my stats, many of you are into that. freaking weirdos), it just means you have to concentrate (sounds lame, I know-but seriously, concentrate) when it comes to drawing back your lips enough to keep the teeth covered during the up-and-down sucking motion. It is at this point that the teeth are most likely to slip and come into contact with his shaft, which can be very sensitive. The concentrating at first is lame and sounds the opposite of sexy, but after a couple successful teeth-free blowjobs it will become natural and you'll barely think about it again.

I have met guys who refused to let me get anywhere near their cocks with my mouth because they once had "a very very bad experience." Don't be that very very bad experience. Be the awesome one whose name he remembers twenty years later. It's easier than you think.

No matter how good you are, after a while your mouth will start to get sore. Hopefully you've been a good little student and practiced as much as humanly possible without flunking school or getting fired for poor attendance, but after a point you can't help that your mouth is cramping up. As much as I love giving head, in general I max out at twenty/thirty minutes before I get impatient and want to move along to the sex like, RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

A hint to avoid the cheek cramps: mix it up. Who says you have to keep your mouth on his cock for the entire time? I swear to you, this whole A.D.D. approach to giving head is brilliant. Suck his cock for a while, then when he's getting close (you're getting lockjaw, whatever), back off and lick his balls while you stroke his shaft with your hand. Other possibilities: lick up and down his shaft with your tongue, jerk him off while you give him sex-eyes, wipe off a dab of pre-cum and lick it off your finger-and he never has to know you're doing this because your cheeks hurt so much you're about to cry.

For those of you who want to practice before going down on your guy again, I have a fun and tasty exercise to try: buy popsicles. Laugh, whatever, yuk it up, now shut the fuck up and go buy yourself some popsicles. Bananas are the food you normally hear about in regard to blowjobs, but they won't do for this teeth-training exercise. Popsicle. Listen to me.

Get yourself a popsicle. They're yummy and you can write off the calories for educational purposes. The main reason I specifically want you to practice on a popsicle is because they are cold. When you scrape your teeth against the cold texture of the popsicle, it will send chills through your teeth to the rest of your body and deter you from doing that in the future. If you keep the teeth covered with your lips, you'll be fine. Meanwhile you can get used to the size, depth, and mouth-tongue control of having something in your mouth. And it's yummy. Strawberry popsicles taste way better than strawberry condoms.

Of course a hard dick is different from a popsicle, but this Pavlovian approach is a damn fine start to keeping your teeth to yourself.

If I have left anything out, please add your suggestions in the comments below. If you have any blowjob-related questions that you would like me to consider answering in a future post, please leave a comment or email me vixoen@gmail.com.

*Not that a boyfriend has ever done that to me. Not once. And it had nothing to do with this imaginary boyfriend being mad at me for staying out late with my girl friends, and I did not bang on the door so loud that I had security called on my ass. Nosirree, I did bang on the door OR kick it repeatedly with such force and a string of enraged cursing that three different neighbors called security, and yet that did not wake up my imaginary boyfriend. And the bastard wonders why I broke up with him. Imaginarily speaking, of course.

Even if that incident had happened, I still wouldn't bite off his cock. I might beat him over the head with a bottle of crusty bottle of Kahlua and then purple-nurple him into oblivion, but my teeth would not go anywhere near him. Ever ever EVER again. Because I am a lady. grr

**It's your turn! Lie back and let his neck get sore for a while. Psst. They like it when you talk dirty.